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I really didn’t mean to make this story so long. I shouldn’t say I’m surprised though so I do tend to be quite wordy.
I thought I passed the pregnancy the night of April 6th. I truly thought it would just be a bigger blog clot. So I thought I was through the worst. Boy, was I wrong.
I didn’t pass the first baby, Emerson, until the next afternoon. David had already arrived home from work that day. I didn’t know what I expected but I didn’t expect for her to look like a real actual baby. We wrapped her up and a paper towel and a Ziploc bag. I called Jade and texted Faith and they both said they fully expected for me to not see anything. I was angry that nobody had warned me that this is what would happen. But, not even the most birth smart people I know knew that would happen. So, I guess there is no way they could have told me, right? We went and picked out a little wooden box and stickers so we could write her name on it. We already had this little stuffed fox that matched one of Zara’s stuffed giraffes. So, that is how we were going to honor and remember her.
My mom arrived late that night. It would be nice to have her here to help with everything.
On Saturday, April 8, while David was at work I passed Judah. Even though I had an inkling at around 5.5 weeks that it was twins I still completely didn’t expect to see a second baby. I went to the bathroom and felt something heavy trying to drop. I closed my legs really quickly until I would be able to catch it. I just knew it was something important. Not just a blood clot. And when I saw it I just screamed. Again. There has been a lot of crying and screaming in this blog. My mom came in and I just fell on the bathroom floor. I vividly remember saying, “Did I lose two babies? Did I lose two babies?” over and over again.
David was texting me about our lunch plans and I was getting angrier and angrier. How could he even think about food at a time like this. I didn’t understand. But he wasn’t home so he really didn’t have any idea what was going on. My mom and I went to Wal Mart to pick up another little wooden box and stickers. We stopped at Veronica’s along the way and she just held me while I cried.
I really wondered if this was every going to end. It did, of course. My period lasted longer and was more painful than normal. But that ended. I didn’t know what was worse. Having a period, which was a reminder that I had babies. Or the period stopping which meant I didn’t have anything left of my babies. I eventually stopped crying every single day but that hasn’t ended completely yet. The sadness and depression seems greater now. I’m even less patient than before. You’d think I’d be more patient. But no. There’s internal anger at that. Why can’t I just be better. I still miss them.
I still miss them.
I started bleeding again at 6 weeks+4days.
“Why have I started bleeding again? Maybe I have a blood clot. It’s nothing to worry about, right? It’s the same type as last week. Streaky, mixed with clear mucus. It’ll last two days like last time.”
Those were the thoughts that went through my head on Tuesday April, 4th. Zara’s birthday. I didn’t start worrying until the next night. David and I were watching a movie and I started getting mild cramps. I prayed that they would be gone by morning. But they weren’t. I questioned whether I should call my midwife. David encouraged me that if it would make me feel better than I should. So, I did. The first words that came out of her mouth were about miscarriage. My heart sank. My voice shook. I was on my into the house after a small grocery trip. I stopped on the porch when I heard those words. They were so shocking. That she would go to that right away put a lump in my throat.
She suggested I go to the ER. Being so early, that is where any doctors office would send me anyway. I call our local ER and they tell me to come in. I don’t know why…they don’t have any OB doctors here in town anymore. I don’t know why they didn’t suggest that I call an OB straightaway. David went with me at my request. He stayed calm. He always stays calm when I’m the most stressed out.I saw the doctor only to be told that she couldn’t do anything or tell me anything other than go to an OB doctor either in Beloit, Salina, or Belleville. $319.00 is what that advice cost me. Not well spent, if you ask me.
I started crying on the way out. I was crying so much that David had to take care of the checking out process for me. He didn’t want me to be alone afterwards so I went to Veronica’s house. She just sat there and looked at me. When I looked back at her she said, “I’m so bad at this type of thing. I don’t have anything good to say.” That is what I needed. I didn’t need anybody to give me false hope. To tell me it was going to be okay. I just needed to not be alone. I talked a little bit. I told her everything the ER doctor said. She was angry at that. I appreciated that. She was exactly what I needed at that point.
I went to the bathroom again. I started screaming and crying. I started rocking back and forth….more screaming and crying. I rushed out of the bathroom and said, “I need to go home right now. I need to go home right now.” Just repeated that while I found my keys and walked out the door. Veronica kept Zara without question. I didn’t actually go home. I went straight to David’s work. I needed him. He came outside and I just kept apologizing.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, David The bleeding is getting worse and the cramping is getting worse. This is going to be bad. I’m so sorry, David.”
We could call clinics in Salina, Beloit, and Belleville. All of these cities are a significant drive so I thought we’d just call until we found someone who could get us in that day. Our first call was to the clinic in Beloit, the second closest. They were able to get us in at 4 p.m. so that’s where we went. I went home for a bit and David continued to work. We had two hours before our appointment. I didn’t realize how far away Beloit was so we left a little late. We drove in silence. David prayed. I cried. I cried the whole appointment long. I kept apologizing to the staff but they were so understanding. The doctor asked if I wanted an ultrasound and, of course, I said yes. All I wanted was to see that everything was ok. We all know it wasn’t.
We went home to grieve. I was so confused and lost. Every single thing I did from finding out I was pregnant played in my head. What could I have done differently to make the outcome different. Everyone says there is nothing. It was something genetic in the babies.I called my mom on the way home crying. She’s been through this three times so I knew she would know what I was going through. I slept until 8 o’clock. David worked and then went and picked up Zara from Veronica’s. My mom messaged me saying she’d be coming down the next day. We put Zara down for the night and I cried myself to sleep.
Alright…if you’ve been regularly reading my blogs you know Part 1 was shared on Monday the 15th. I meant to share these consecutively, but I’m just having a hard time writing all this down. So I’ve been putting off. Well, here it is. I don’t know why I’ve been dreading part writing this part. It’s just going to be about the pregnancy. No matter, though, here it is.
This pregnancy was different, right from the start. Yes, I know all pregnancies are different but this one was even different than that. I immediately got a three day long headache. I was SO beyond tired. I could not stay awake. I probably could have fallen asleep standing up. Just right away, at four weeks. I also just had so much clear/white discharge. I googled it and one of the first results were talking about how she was scared of miscarriage..even though everyone else said it was normal. That scared me enough, so I stopped looking on google.
At the 5ish week mark I got a little inkling that it might be twins. It surprised me because I wasn’t having any nausea at all. Just a little feeling I had. Of course, I started freaking out. I couldn’t imagine adding one more, let alone two. Three kids under two years old. Yikes!
Around 5 weeks, as well, I had a little bit of bleeding. It lasted maybe 2 days. It was a really light flow and very streaky with a lot of clear discharge. I called my SIL and she said it was normal. I asked women from the November group I was in and they said it was normal. I know it’s normal for some women to have bleeding. For me, though, it was quite worrisome. With Zara I didn’t even have implantation bleeding. So, something was just off. It stopped after two days and I was instantly relieved.
Another worrisome thing for me was that my symptoms were inconsistent. Off and on, you know what I mean. I would have some mild nausea one or two days and then nothing. I dry heaved once and then nothing. Tired and then not. I thought that was odd but I really tried to not worry.
I’m a really big worrier though…and it makes me wonder now, that if maybe I didn’t worry so much, would I still be pregnant? Did I speak this loss over me because I thought about it more than I should have? It’s just another source of guilt.
Part 3 on Monday.
-Confessions of a Miscarriage Mama-
I want to share one more thing before I share part two. I promise this time. A Miscarriage Story Part 2 will be shared tomorrow!
Today, somebody reached out to me, and it really refreshed my heart. It was so encouraging, It made me feel like I’m doing something good in writing this. I told someone a few weeks ago that all a writer wants is their writings to make just one person feel something. And, obviously, I’m writing for me…but I really do want to help someone. Even just one woman who i feeling pain or alone, or just struggling.
So she messaged me today, sharing some of her story. How the doctors were really terrible with her, how she feels guilt, and how she hasn’t told anyone even though it happened some time ago. When I read that I just cried. It really broke my heart for her for three reasons.
- Doctors really can be horrible. Uncaring. I just can’t believe how awful the doctors were with her. Miscarriage is just such a heartbreaking experience for a mother. They need to learn to be a little more kind and compassionate.
- Guilt and shame are so terrible to live with. Especially for a long time. Miscarriage brings such guilt. Even if you know you couldn’t have done anything different. There will be guilt over drinking coffee…not drinking enough water….a surprise pregnancy and then a miscarriage and the list goes on.
- Miscarriage is not something talked about. It’s such a taboo topic, for whatever reason. Whether you don’t believe the baby is a little life, if you think, ‘oh it’s so common,’ if you think, ‘oh it was so early…’ No matter what your reason it’s just not talked about. And we shared the same sentiment that we wish we would have been given some warnings or expectations about what MIGHT happen. Not what definitely will happen because that is unique to each woman. But some possible symptoms.
I have to speak out about this. It deserves to be talked about. I am hurting and suffering. My babies were BABIES. They were not a clump of cells. That way of thinking makes me so angry. Em and Judah deserve to be talked about. They had souls. They are in Heaven. We will remember them. We love them. We miss them. While this is something we will get through, it is not something we will get over. We will never get over the loss of our babies. Those are the wise words of my husband.
I don’t want any woman to suffer in silence. That’s a huge reason I’m talking about this.
-confessions of a miscarriage mama-
I don’t think I have. I’ve introduced David and Zara but not myself. I wanted to do those three Wednesday’s in a row.
I know I’m avoiding writing part two of A Miscarriage Story…but I just am having a really hard time putting all of those things into words. I hope you’ll forgive me.
I was born 9/18/1989. Best birthday ever in my opinion. Apparently I was two weeks late…Zara takes after her mama!
I have two brothers.
I lived in Illinois as a child and Wisconsin as a teenager.
I moved to Tulsa when I was 19.
My favorite job was working at the hospital as a nurse tech.
My dream job would be to be a midwife.
I have an associates degree in Psychology which I’m really proud of. I’m the only one in my (first) immediate family who has any type of degree! Holla!
I really enjoy writing. It’s one of the few things I actually think I’m good at. So, if you don’t think I am don’t tell me. I have to have confidence in something!
I am in the queue to be a rep for a clothing company. Can you guess which one?!
I love crime shows…true and not true crime shows.
I’ve been to California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, Louisiana (amaaaaaazing food!), Wisconsin, Illinois, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida, Maryland, Haiti, Costa Rica, Peru, and Ireland with dreams of going everywhere else.
I have been married a little over three years. I have one daughter earthside, Zara, and two babies in Heaven, Emerson and Judah.
-these are my confessions-
Ok, so I said I would have part two of A Miscarriage Story written today but something really excited happened that I wanted to write about instead. So part two can be tomorrow if that’s ok with all of you.
I’m going to let you all in on a little secret of my marriage. David and I don’t always sleep in the same bed at night. It really started when I was pregnant with Zara. Guys…I snore, apparently loud. And it got worse when I was pregnant with Zara. Well, David is a VERY light sleeper and was driving for his job at the time. So, he would wait until I fell asleep and then go get his sleep in the spare bed(because he knew how much it meant to me for us to sleep together.) And then, afterwards, when Zara was still co-sleeping with us we would sometimes sleep in the same bed but sometimes not because he was still driving for work and babies wake up all night, am I right? So, at 8 months Zara decided she liked sleeping better alone. Sad day for this mama. I wanted her to co-sleep for at least two years. Even though, honestly, I knew David really wanted her to sleep independently. So, since then we’ve been sleeping in the same bed.
Well, since the miscarriage, I’ve been pushing him away and one of the ways is sleeping downstairs while he sleeps upstairs. There are two reasons for this..well, I guess they tie together so maybe it’s just one reason. He works at 6 a.m. every other day and I just haven’t really been able to fall asleep before 2. And like I’ve said a few times, lately, I’ve been having nightmares/bad dreams every night.
Now to get to the good/exciting part. Last night I was going to sleep downstairs again. I was cleaning/writing/etc and Zara started crying. I went upstairs to get her some milk and change her diaper and David came out of the room (I thought he was sleeping) and asked me to come upstairs and sleep with him. (even though he had to be to work at 6.) So, I did. And guess what! I fell right to sleep and didn’t have any even relatively bad dreams at all. It was a dreamless wonderful sleep. He told me he wanted me up there because he was calmer that way (aaaaaaawwwwwwwwww) but it was the most restful sleep I’ve gotten in weeks. Honestly. And I woke up feeling refreshed. It just made me so happy. It made him so happy!
A little longer than I thought this would be but I’m so excited to share this! It’s been a hard few days and I don’t know why…well, it’s because my hormones are really going away now. I wasn’t nauseous at all today. Why do pregnancy hormones have to last so long after you’re not pregnant. It’s like a postpartum body without the baby. I think I’ve said that before. And I said all that to say this…I’m back downstairs tonight. I would rather be upstairs with my husband because I love just sleeping with him…but my defenses are keeping me from that.
If you pray, just pray for me. I need to get over this so I can be there for him and I can let him be there for me. Thanks.
-confessions of an insecure wife-
April 24th, 2017
This is the second of five blogs I haven’t been looking forward to. It might take me several days to write it. I may even divide it into two or three parts because it may become long. I want to talk about the loss. I want to talk about what happened. The whole story. If you’re easily triggered by miscarriage talk or pictures you won’t want to read this. Because I’m going to be raw and real and honest about everything. I don’t know any other way to be.
David has been ready for another baby for a long time. He started asking after we got the go ahead from my midwife at the six week postpartum check up with Zara if we could start trying again. It’s been me who has been pushing it off. For several reasons, but mainly because I feel like my mind is broken and isn’t ready. I want to get the depression more under control first…if under control are even the right words.
At the beginning of March he asked and I told him….’ok, we can try this month but if we’re not successful you can’t ask me for another year.’ That would give us another year with just Zara to learn more about parenthood…to give her more time and become more independent before I had to take care of her and a newborn. It would give me more time to be consistently on Zoloft as I’ve only been consistent for about 3 months.
I told him we can try. I prayed and told God that if I got pregnant I knew I’d be able to handle it because He knew I was able to handle it. But then I prayed that I wouldn’t get pregnant. (hello, guilt.) There is no way I thought God would allow me to get pregnant. The only reason I told David we could go ahead and try was just to shut him up. He knows this.
April 26th, 2017. (I told you it would take a few days to write.)
So, the weekend of March 16th David went to Tulsa. I normally keep track of my cycle on my phone but it’s not something I’ll keep track of mentally. This particular weekend I was paying more attention to the fact that it was Zara’s original due date. Anyway, on the morning of Sunday, March 18th I took a dollar store pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. I saw the faintest line show up after a minute and I didn’t believe it. So, after church I walked to Wal-Mart to buy a digital test. I didn’t gauge how far Wal-Mart was though so I called my brother-in-law, Stuart to come pick me up. I was so nervous he was going to see right through me and know what I bought. He does have five kids, after all.
I get home and put Zara down for her afternoon nap. Then, I immediately took another dollar cheapie and the digital. They both came back positive with afternoon urine, guys. And, I knew I was in trouble. I yelled at the tests. Twice.
I really did get excited though. So excited. I thought for an hour or two on how to tell David. I wanted something cute. With Zara we went to Starbucks and I had the barista write, “Daddy, March 2016.” This time I wanted to do something that wouldn’t be so obvious, I guess?
I took the next part of the day to write up little note cards for a scavenger hunt. We had a church service that night and David got into town late so I left all the clues up and he drove straight to the church. I made sure of that because I didn’t want him going home first and finding the surprise without me there. I thought it was really fun. The last clue was hidden under his pillow and said, “By December, you’ll be a father of two.”
Part 2 coming tomorrow. Maybe.
-confessions of a miscarriage mama-
If I Die Young by The Band Perry. I haven’t heard this one in a while but it came on the radio tonight while we were eating.
I Will Not Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey was shared with me today by a friend who also gone through a miscarriage.