There are things they don’t tell you about miscarriages. Or at least there are some things I never associated with having a miscarriage. Now, I feel foolish for not putting two and two together. The symptoms and side effects seem obvious. But, it’s not something anybody really WANTS to talk about is it? It’s not a conversation starter. You wouldn’t ask, “what were your symptoms?” Or “tell me about your experience.” Even today, in a society that is bringing more attention to miscarriage/still birth/baby loss, it still feels like a deeply personal, private experience. 

I don’t speak for all women. I only speak for me. These are the things I was blindsided with.

The amount of fear I experienced when I started bleeding and cramping.

The crushing sense of devastation and loss I felt when the Dr. told me my uterus is what she would expect a two week pregnant uterus to look like…not a 7 week pregnant uterus.

The amount of anger I felt at the ER doctor.

The sense of surprise when I saw Emerson and Judah’s bodies on toilet paper. First because I didn’t know there was two. Second because I didn’t expect to see anything at all.  I thought they would just pass as blood clots.

The physical pain. Worse than a period. Longer than a period. A constant reminder that my body was not pregnant…which just adds to the emotional pain. 

The extra sadness I feel when I see a pregnant woman…or a baby…or a fox or a lion….

The fact that even though getting pregnant is sooooooo the furthest thing from my mind…I’m already scared of getting pregnant again.

The fact that I feel strong.

All of the support. 

When I told David I had started cramping and bleeding together he asked if it was normal. He was trying to make me be calm…but I knew it wasn’t. I called and asked some family and friends and they tried to be encouraging as well. The first person to mention miscarriage was my midwife. She keeps it pretty straightforward.

I had hope when I went to the doctor’s office. I knew there couldn’t really be anything wrong. Maybe it was just a blood clot. Maybe I was losing one but the other would survive. (Still devastating.) Maybe they wouldn’t hear a heartbeat but I would come back next week and it would be there. Nothing could prepare me for the words, ‘there is no baby.’ 

I would really like to yell at that ER doc. She told me I shouldn’t worry about having a miscarriage because I don’t have a history of miscarriages. Go home, rest, and take Tylenol.

I am so grateful that I miscarried naturally and was able to see them. A lot of women don’t have that. But nobody told me that was a possibility. Maybe because I was so early. As unformed and misshapen as they were, they were stil perfect.

I should have expected that the physical pain would be horrid. You’re not only experiencing a period…you’re also losing an extra significant amount of tissue that was once a baby.

I won’t say I’m bitter towards pregnant women or babies. Or lions or foxes…I just get sadder because they’re a reminder of what I am not…and what I will not have by Christmas. And foxes were going to be their animal. Just like giraffes are Zara’s.

I want to get on birth control and never get off. I don’t know that I would be able to handle this again.

Even though I can’t stand without help at times I know I will survive this. And hopefully I will be able to be an encouragement and help to other women who may go through this in the future.

My husband. My mom. My midwife. My aunt. My dad. My brother. My sister in law. My other sister in law. My brother in law. My church. Friends and other various family. People I don’t even really know. They’re helping because they’ve never said anything or acted like Emerson and Judah weren’t real babies or this isn’t a real loss.
I don’t know if I can say I wish I had known these things or not. The anticipation of knowing what feelings were coming could have just made it worse. But maybe if I had known how one or two things were going to happen I would have done things differently. I wouldn’t have gone to the ER. I would have never wished for a d&c. I would have been better prepared when they made their appearance. I would have taken more Tylenol. 

Kind of an abrupt ending but that is all I can write for today. It’s already 12.40 and I am already not sleeping well. 

I love you Emerson and Judah. Forever.