If you read this and it was something you said to me is in the ‘not that’ section please know that I am not upset with you. I know you were trying to be comforting.

Say This.

I am sorry for your loss. A loss is a loss no matter how early. And acknowledging it as such says that you realize our loss is a real baby.

Not That.

At least it was early. I don’t see how this would be helpful at all. Or why someone would think it is a comforting thing to say. Honestly, what is this even supposed to mean?

There is no at least

 

Say This

I am SO sorry for your loss. Sometime during this whole process I went over to my sister-in-law, Veronica’s, house. I was crying and she was just holding me and I said, “Why would God answer a prayer just to take it away. Is he punishing me for not wanting to get pregnant?” and she, very wisely, reminded me that that is not the God I serve. That God is a loving God. Then, as I was browsing Pinterest I found this gem and I am holding to it..

Not That

God has better/bigger plans. This is not comforting or helpful. It just causes more tears because I still don’t understand why.

Not God's will

Say This

There is nothing you could have done differently. This will not help in the beginning…but logically I know this is true. Eventually logic will win out over emotions. Saying anything different will just makes me question every possible thing I could have done differently.

Not that

Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten/drank that. I definitely do not need to be told this. Every single day I question whether the few cups of coffee I had did this. Maybe if I had stopped taking Zoloft. Maybe if I had only drank water instead snapple peach tea and gingerale and coffee.

Maybe you should have eaten this/drank that. If only I had taken prenatals earlier on. If only I had eaten more protein or been drinking even more water. Maybe more fruits and veggies.

Say This

Do you want to talk about it? I might say no…but I know you cared enough to ask. No matter how much time passes I will always remember their ‘going home,’ day as my friend Kristi calls it. April 6, 2017. Two days after Zara’s first birthday. I will always remember their due date. I will remember the excitement I felt when I found out I was pregnant and I will remember the sadness I felt when I found out they were gone.

Not That

You’ll get over it. I’ve had two things similar to this said said to me. Anything about ‘getting over it,’ is not true. We will never ‘get over’ our baby/babies and why would we want to? I was also told that I will not get over the babies but I will get over the miscarriage. Will I, though? Will I ever not have a fear when I fall pregnant that I am just going to lose that baby as well? Right now, I can say no.

Say This

Take your time. I don’t know how long this will take to ‘heal’ from…for lack of a better word. But until then I will love and appreciate and focus my attention on Zara.

take your time

Not That

Don’t worry…You’ll get pregnant again. I don’t want to get pregnant again. At least not right now. Why would you assume that is a fix? And even if I did that baby is still not the baby I lost. I will still miss my baby even as I would love my new baby. But they are separate babies.

i wanted that baby

Two things I don’t have a ‘say this’ replacement for.

Can you imagine if you had had twins? No, I can’t…because I lost them. But thank you for reminding me that I will not be blessed with two living children around November 26th.

Don’t worry…you don’t have a history of miscarriage. I was told today that the person who told me this has never had anything really good said about her. Technically, this was said before I found out I lost them but still one of the things I’ll always remember for two reasons. First, because, now I do have a history..so does that mean this is my future? How many more will I have? Secondly, it makes me feel like I am even more of a failure.

As I was writing this it occurred to me that some women may not want to hear my list of ‘say this.’  I’m fairly certain that nobody will want to hear the things on my ‘not that,’ list but there’s no guarantee. So, just use wisdom and your better judgement. Ask someone they are close to how they are before you jump right in. Whatever you do, though, don’t stop talking because you don’t know what to say. (This does happen.)  We just need a little more love and understanding now.

 

-Confessions of a miscarriage mama-

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