After writing and publishing this blog post I realized that I need to make a very important distinction concerning the term ‘voluntary abortion.’ I go more into depth here: but I just want to say that I apologize if you read this and get offended.

Miscarriage: Noun-The spontaneous loss of a woman’s pregnancy before the 20th week that can be both physically and emotionally painful. Also called, spontaneous abortion.

Such a sad word with such a devastating meaning. It bounces around in my head with the heaviness of bricks and tastes like poison on my tongue. It’s painful to say out loud. It hurts to even type it. It becomes the elephant in the room because people don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything at all.

when a child dies

If you ask I will talk about it because it helps me heal. Because I want to bring awareness to the issue. Because I want other miscarriage mama’s to know that they are not alone.

I cringe even more at the word ‘abortion.’ My hands are shaking as I type. Nobody will ever be able to convince me that even at 7 weeks a ‘fetus,’ is not a baby. Emerson and Judah should have had beating hearts at my ultrasound.  I held their bodies in my hands and they were beautiful. If I had chosen a voluntary abortion I would be celebrated as a strong woman who made the ‘right choice’ for her and her body. But I didn’t. I feel like my babies were taken from me…by me. My own body betrayed all three of us. How do I cope with that? And even though I know they are playing with other babies born too soon and listening to Jesus tell stories I want them back with everything in me.

tell them about me

Fetus is another word I shudder at. Emerson and Judah were my babies. They were not my fetuses.

Very Common: More than 3 million cases per year.

Very common. 25% of all pregnancies. 1 in 4.

The most common type of pregnancy loss, miscarriages often occur because the fetus isn’t developing normally.

I’ve known this is a reason they happen for quite some time. It’s why I thought I wouldn’t be so distraught if I ever did have one. (not that I ever wanted one and I feel completely stupid for now.) But recently I’ve been hearing a lot about progesterone and not having enough. Did I lose my babies because I didn’t have enough of a hormone or because they weren’t developing properly? I don’t know. This is an instance where I think, “if only I had been taking progesterone maybe I would still have my babies.” But then again, maybe not and it’s hard to not dwell on that fact. 

-Confessions of a Miscarriage Mama-

(written on April 15th, 2017)