We went to Tulsa last weekend to celebrate my niece’s first birthday.

I went to see The Illustrated Sermon at Victory with my sister in law. While signing Z in for nursery I noticed that the girl who was signed in before her was named Emerson.

During the service my five year old niece asked about my babies that went to Heaven.

At the end of the service, when ‘Jesus’ rose from the grave they showed a video of a roaring lion on the big screen.

After the service my sister-in-law, A, and I went out to chili’s and just talked for two hours. We talked about so many things. I talked about the miscarriage and didn’t cry.

On Saturday we were driving to the birthday party and my five year old niece was listing her cousins in order of when they were born. A, K, C, La, Li, J, Z…and then Z’s sisters who are in Heaven.

At the party I was hugged. I’ve never been big on hugs anyway,  but now they’re even more painful because they’re filled with sorrow and I’m sorry’s.

I held a brand new beautiful baby. The tiniest I’ve ever held..I didn’t want to let him go but at the same time my heart broke.

We came home and watched Desperate Housewives where they talked about faking a miscarriage, getting ‘fat’ while pregnant, and pushing a baby out.

My husband wrapped his arms around me.

Without thinking, my husband said something hurtful.

I have been waking up feeling nauseous. Not enough to throw up but enough to be an unfair reminder.

I have a dream of an ex school mate who recently passed away telling me that they were all ok and happy.

there is good

 

I guess the point of this little play by play blog is to remind myself that when bad moments happen remember the good. Be grateful for the good. Cherish the good. Appreciate the bad for they make me stronger. But find the good.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

-Confessions of a Miscarriage Mama-

 

 

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