Maybe if I clean I will feel better. I scrub the counters and sweep the floor. I do the dishes and make the beds. I wash, dry, and fold the laundry. But it doesn’t help. Nothing is clean enough. More dishes land in the sink and more laundry needs washed. I feel like my house will never be clean enough. This isn’t helping. But I keep on cleaning. I just keep cleaning.
Maybe if I sleep….No, I can’t just sleep. I have a daughter who does not sleep all day. Plus, the dreams are not pleasant.
Maybe I can write…yes, that helps. I have so much to say in my head. But I sit down at the computer and it all seems jumbled. Will it comes across well? Will any of it make sense?
Maybe if I surround myself with people. What am I thinking? I am an introvert. I don’t want to be alone but I just need people to not talk. Can I tell them to just be quiet or is that rude?
Maybe if I am just alone for a while. Then my thoughts will get the best of me and I will go over and over everything I could have done differently…and guilt will overwhelm me. Does David blame me? Does Jade and my parents and his parents? We were all excited for these babies and it’s my body that failed. Can they still love me? Do they still love me? Most importantly, do I believe them if they tell me they do?
Maybe if I listen to music. Music is healing, of course. Some songs make me cry. Crying is ok. But even music needs to be shut off sometimes. It’s too…too much.
I can read Scripture. Yes. That will be a great comfort.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.” Ecclesiastes 11:5
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7-8.
“Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” Isaiah 49: 13
“I am sending him back to you. Sending my very heart.” Philemon 1:12
“I would have liked to keep him with me…” Philemon 1:13
“Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back forever…” Philemon 1:15
“…He is very dear to me but even dearer to you…” Philemon 1:16
“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16
“All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace.” Isaiah 54:13
“David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. ‘Is the child dead?’ he asked. ‘Yes,’ they replied, ‘he is dead.’ Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions, and changed his clothes, he went to the house of the Lord and worshiped….He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, “Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live. But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 19-23
One of the things my friend, Sami, told me that I needed to find a specific verse to help me. Right now I have 12 to choose from. A few especially stand out. The Psalms are always encouraging. The verses in Philemon. Isaiah 54:13 and the last part of 2 Samuel.
I would have liked to keep him with me…really them but the verse says he. However, I will go to him, but he will not return to me. I’m excited for the day that I can hold Emerson and Judah in my arms.
-Confessions of a Miscarriage Mama-
(written on April 16th, 2017)