I had just met with my psychiatrist to discuss continuing Zoloft while pregnant. We decided that taking zoloft while pregnant was better/safer for me then not taking it.

I had been emailing some local midwives and doulas about providing care.

I had an ultrasound appointment with a local service who comes into town twice a month for free ultrasounds.

I called the midwife I used with Zara and talked with her about using her in November.

I did the same with the doula I used with Zara.

We told everyone….Every one except my parents. My Tulsa family…multiple friends…David’s family.

I had to call my psychiatrists office back and tell him that he wouldn’t be needing confirmation that I was under an OB’s car.

I had to email all the midwives and doulas I was talking to and tell them I wouldn’t be needing their services after all.

I had to leave a message with the ultrasound bus that comes to town twice a month and cancel my appointment.

We had to go back and tell people one by one that I was no longer pregnant.

I haven’t had an appointment with my psychiatrist yet but I’m afraid he’ll put me on a higher dose of Zoloft.

All of the midwives and doulas were apologetic…especially ‘mine’ who keeps texting and checking up on me.

The ultra sound bus that comes to town is faith based. Emily, the girl who is in charge there called me back and prayed with me. She also sent me a sweet ‘thinking of you,’ card.

My mother-in-law said how crazy it is that you can love something no much that you never actually met. 

My mom didn’t know I was pregnant. We we waiting to tell her when we all went to the Omaha Zoo….It was her present for Zara’s birthday. But she left the day after she found out to come be with me. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom.

When the bleeding stopped I felt like a disappointment all over again. Because, now there is absolutely no reminder that I was ever pregnant. Just our excitement and knowledge and memories.

You might start doing something new or something you haven’t done in a while. For me, it was being consistent in writing this blog and wearing earrings. I haven’t worn earrings since before I was married.

You might be scared to even have sex again, let alone get pregnant. I am/was. And when I did (have marital relations again) I cried afterwards because I felt so guilty. Because…it felt like a betrayal to Emerson and Judah.

I wasn’t sure how much support I’d get when people found out. I felt silly for telling so many people so soon. However, I can’t imagine people now knowing and then possibly not knowing about the miscarriage. I would not be able to go through this alone, I know that for sure! Immediately after the terrible ultrasound I told David that I will for sure want to tell everyone as soon as possible every time we get pregnant. He wasn’t so sure then and now, just over a week out, I’m not so sure.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

(written on April 17th, 2017)