April 18th, 2017

On the way home from the doctors office after the worst ultrasound I called my mom crying, telling her everything. That night she called back and said she’d be on her way to me the next day. She stayed for a week. I wish she wouldn’t have had to leave.

She left on Thursday. On Friday we left for Tulsa for a weekend trip.

It’s Tuesday now. David, Zara, and I went to lunch, the post office, and then I dropped him off at work. I went to Wal Mart to get some things for Emerson and Judah’s goodbye ceremony tomorrow. I walked slowly down every aisle until Zara started getting tired/fussy.

I put her down for a nap, did the dishes, swept and mopped all the floors, put a load in the washer and dryer, even scrubbed the toilet. Now, I’m sitting here alone writing. It’s a very strange feeling, being alone. Not as comforting as it normally is. I have a massive headache that I took some Tylenol for. It’s one of those headaches that hurts when your eyes are open.

I am dreading tomorrow. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. I’ll never be ready though. I have to write letters to them. Make sure Z’s outfit and mine are clean. The preparations really are few but sad nonetheless. Don’t forget to wear my angel wing earrings. Make a short playlist. It will just be so final.

I hear Zara crying. Looks like I’m not going to get a nap today. And I’m no longer alone.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-