April 20th, 2017

This is one of five blogs that I’ve been dreading writing. I knew I’d have to but I really wasn’t looking forward to it. They won’t be written consecutively…but they will all be written.

Today was our saying goodbye ceremony to Emerson and Judah. In case you’re wondering how long it took for me to start crying it was when I started getting dressed. I made it through breakfast and the shower. But, the dress I wore was the one I had planned to wear for my weekly bump pictures, so even though the real name of the print is ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ it will always be ‘Emerson and Judah’s’ dress.

IMG_0169 Zara wore a dress with a fox embroidered on it and David wore his anubis/horace shirt. After the ceremoney he told me the reason he wore that specific shirt is because there are two of them…just like there were two different designs on his shirt. He is grieving in his way. Some wives don’t have husbands that outwardly grieve and I’m grateful mine does. I wouldn’t be able to do it without him.

I made my playlist right before the ceremony. It was a stalling technique.

Thy Will by Hilary Scott

See You Again by Charlie Puth and

Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran

I forgot to wear my angel wing earrings.

I also didn’t write them a letter. But I didn’t need it. I just said what was on my heart. We lit a candles. So many tears.

After we had a little family day and went to Salina…about an hour away but the closest ‘big’ city to us. We had lunch at a delicious Chinese buffet, went to Ross, and tried the Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks. It was nice to have that.

I can already sense a feeling of closure coming from today’s ceremony. I know the missing them will come in waves and sometimes drown me. Triggering events will knock me off my feet. And, of course, there will be good days and times.

As I was watching Netflix tonight there was a quote from a show that sticks out.

Male Character: “I know it’s hard right now but one day you will be back to normal.”

Female Character: “No, I won’t.”

And that is the case here. I won’t ever be the same. I will be happy again, that I know. I will not be afraid of things I have fears of in this season. But I will never be the same.

Different Life

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-