I am everything I never wanted to be in a mother.
I am so impatient. David tells me every mother gets impatient from time to time. But I feel like I am more impatient than I am patient. But I Corinthians says that love is patient. So do I truly love Zara? I would absolutely, with every fiber of my being, do anything to protect her and keep her safe. I am making the choices I feel are best for her. I want her to be happy. I play with her and feed her and read to her. But if I have a hard time being patient with her do I actually love her? I Corinthians also says love is not easily angered. I never wanted to be an angry mom. But I get so easily frustrated and angry with her and I don’t know why. Yes, my depression and expectations play a part but I can’t just blame those and go on. I need to let go of depression and expectations.
I am constantly having to repeat, “Love is Patient, Love is Patient, Love is Patient.”
Love keeps no record of wrongs and I have no problem doing that with Zara. When I see her smile all of my frustrations with her are forgiven. Her laugh melts my heart. It protects and hopes. I have hope that I will not get easily angered and lose my patience.
Zara is the happiest baby in the world. So sometimes I feel like I must be doing something right. But then I realize it’s probably just genetics. She reminds me so much of her happy Grammy, Aunt Amelia, and cousin La. They are all so happy and cheerful. Everything that I am not.
It’s such a constant battle in my mind. I want better self esteem. I want freedom from depression. I want confidence. It’s just so much easier said than done. I feel like I’m a little girl in a grown up woman’s body. Emotionally stunted. I don’t know how to talk to people. I hold grudges. I don’t easily forgive.
But I’m learning so much about the Father’s love. He is patient with me. He is kind. He is not easily angered and keeps no record of my wrongs. He protects, trust, and hopes for me.His love for me has never failed even when I don’t deserve patient or kindness.
All I can say is I’m trying. I’m seeking His truth. I’m seeking His comfort. I’m seeking His love. And I’ve never known a love like His before.
-confessions of an insecure girl-