It’s not just a miscarriage.

It’s the loss of my babies.

It’s the loss of my hopes and dreams for them. When I found out I was pregnant there were so many things I started thinking about. How we’d tell people. How I’d tell David. I needed to figure out who my care provider would be. Where would I give birth? What would we name them? Would we have a boy or a girl? What would he/she look like? Would she be able to wear Zara’s hand me down’s. I can’t wait to see Zara a big sister. They’ll be so close in age. They’ll be here by Christmas. I wonder what we’ll buy them. I can’t wait to see them on ultrasound. I can’t wait to hear their heartbeat. Where are they going to sleep? Will I be successful at breastfeeding? The thoughts go on and on.

It’s the source of intense guilt. I can’t even begin to explain this one. I’m their mother. I should have been able to protect them. I didn’t. I failed them. I didn’t want to get pregnant in the first place. Is this why? Nothing anybody can say can take this away right now.

It’s a source of physical pain. I’ve already talked about this but yes. It’s so painful. Not only are you having a period. Your uterus is also tearing everything out of you that involves being pregnant.

It’s a hormonal roller coaster. Obviously. It’s similar to a post partum body, only you don’t have the euphoria feeling because their is no baby.

It’s hard on a marriage-Definitely. This is so hard on our relationship. I’m pushing him away. I’m having a hard time being close to him physically. That is hurting him, I can tell. He wants me. He misses me even though I’m right here.

It might be someone’s unanswered prayer. David and I both prayed so hard.

It has the potential to hurt over and over again. She has a different take on this but for me I am so scared now because I have a ‘history’ of miscarriage so there’s a bigger possibility I’ll have more in the future. I can’t do that.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-