April 24th, 2017

Today was a hard day. Most likely hormonal, but I’m not 100% sure. I did notice the nausea didn’t hit me as hard today as it has been in the past weeks. I’m also fairly certain I went through the ovulation process yesterday or the day before. It could have just been the depression in general, even though I am still taking my medication daily. Zara has started throwing these fits where she’ll throw herself down on her stomach and just start crying. Today she did that and then looked at me to see what I was going to do. I don’t really know how to make a 1 year old stop that? I do think it has a little to do with us weaning her from her bottle. She’s down to 8ish ounces a day from 48 in 3 weeks. That has to be an adjustment, right? I know we’re probably going to slow but I just want her to stay little as long as possible. Then, of course there is David. I know he is hurting because I am hurting….Well, I think he is. I can see it in his eyes sometimes, I think. Or it could be a combination of all those things.

No matter what the reason, though, it was a hard day. Something is missing and a part of me is empty. God always has good timing. My devotion tonight talked about having nothing to show for my loss. Nothing to show but medical bills(I received those yesterday. 630.00 for everything. hormones, and an emptiness in my womb.

When I found out I was pregnant I started writing a journal for them. I have one for Zara too but I didn’t keep on top of it while pregnant and I wanted to do better for this baby/these babies as it turns out. I still write in it. It’s another way of coping for me right now. Is that healthy? I don’t know. But it’s my own personal time where I can pretend I’m having a conversation with them.

Today was a hard day. I just want things to be better.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-