April 24th, 2017

This is the second of five blogs I haven’t been looking forward to. It might take me several days to write it. I may even divide it into two or three parts because it may become long. I want to talk about the loss. I want to talk about what happened. The whole story. If you’re easily triggered by miscarriage talk or pictures you won’t want to read this. Because I’m going to be raw and real and honest about everything. I don’t know any other way to be.

David has been ready for another baby for a long time. He started asking after we got the go ahead from my midwife at the six week postpartum check up with Zara if we could start trying again. It’s been me who has been pushing it off. For several reasons, but mainly because I feel like my mind is broken and isn’t ready. I want to get the depression more under control first…if under control are even the right words.

At the beginning of March he asked and I told him….’ok, we can try this month but if we’re not successful you can’t ask me for another year.’ That would give us another year with just Zara to learn more about parenthood…to give her more time and become more independent before I had to take care of her and a newborn. It would give me more time to be consistently on Zoloft as I’ve only been consistent for about 3 months.

I told him we can try. I prayed and told God that if I got pregnant I knew I’d be able to handle it because He knew I was able to handle it. But then I prayed that I wouldn’t get pregnant. (hello, guilt.) There is no way I thought God would allow me to get pregnant. The only reason I told David we could go ahead and try was just to shut him up. He knows this.

April 26th, 2017. (I told you it would take a few days to write.)

So, the weekend of March 16th David went to Tulsa. I normally keep track of my cycle on my phone but it’s not something I’ll keep track of mentally. This particular weekend I was paying more attention to the fact that it was Zara’s original due date. Anyway, on the morning  of Sunday, March 18th I took a dollar store pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. I saw the faintest line show up after a minute and I didn’t believe it. So, after church I walked to Wal-Mart to buy a digital test. I didn’t gauge how far Wal-Mart was though so I called my brother-in-law, Stuart to come pick me up. I was so nervous he was going to see right through me and know what I bought. He does have five kids, after all.

I get home and put Zara down for her afternoon nap. Then, I immediately took another dollar cheapie and the digital. They both came back positive with afternoon urine, guys. And, I knew I was in trouble. I yelled at the tests. Twice.

I really did get excited though. So excited. I thought for an hour or two on how to tell David. I wanted something cute. With Zara we went to Starbucks and I had the barista write, “Daddy, March 2016.” This time I wanted to do something that wouldn’t be so obvious, I guess?

I took the next part of the day to write up little note cards for a scavenger hunt. We had a church service that night and David got into town late so I left all the clues up and he drove straight to the church. I made sure of that because I didn’t want him going home first and finding the surprise without me there. I thought it was really fun. The last clue was hidden under his pillow and said, “By December, you’ll be a father of two.”

Part 2 coming tomorrow. Maybe.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-