I started bleeding again at 6 weeks+4days.

“Why have I started bleeding again? Maybe I have a blood clot. It’s nothing to worry about, right? It’s the same type as last week. Streaky, mixed with clear mucus. It’ll last two days like last time.”

Those were the thoughts that went through my head on Tuesday April, 4th. Zara’s birthday. I didn’t start worrying until the next night. David and I were watching a movie and I started getting mild cramps. I prayed that they would be gone by morning. But they weren’t. I questioned whether I should call my midwife. David encouraged me that if it would make me feel better than I should. So, I did. The first words that came out of her mouth were about miscarriage. My heart sank. My voice shook. I was on my into the house after a small grocery trip. I stopped on the porch when I heard those words. They were so shocking. That she would go to that right away put a lump in my throat.

She suggested I go to the ER. Being so early, that is where any doctors office would send me anyway. I call our local ER and they tell me to come in. I don’t know why…they don’t have any OB doctors here in town anymore. I don’t know why they didn’t suggest that I call an OB straightaway. David went with me at my request. He stayed calm. He always stays calm when I’m the most stressed out.I saw the doctor only to be told that she couldn’t do anything or tell me anything other than go to an OB doctor either in Beloit, Salina, or Belleville. $319.00 is what that advice cost me. Not well spent, if you ask me.

I started crying on the way out. I was crying so much that David had to take care of the checking out process for me. He didn’t want me to be alone afterwards so I went to Veronica’s house. She just sat there and looked at me. When I looked back at her she said, “I’m so bad at this type of thing. I don’t have anything good to say.” That is what I needed. I didn’t need anybody to give me false hope. To tell me it was going to be okay. I just needed to not be alone. I talked a little bit. I told her everything the ER doctor said. She was angry at that. I appreciated that. She was exactly what I needed at that point.

I went to the bathroom again. I started screaming and crying. I started rocking back and forth….more screaming and crying. I rushed out of the bathroom and said, “I need to go home right now. I need to go home right now.” Just repeated that while I found my keys and walked out the door. Veronica kept Zara without question. I didn’t actually go home. I went straight to David’s work. I needed him. He came outside and I just kept apologizing.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, David The bleeding is getting worse and the cramping is getting worse. This is going to be bad. I’m so sorry, David.”

We could call clinics in Salina, Beloit, and Belleville. All of these cities are a significant drive so I thought we’d just call until we found someone who could get us in that day. Our first call was to the clinic in Beloit, the second closest. They were able to get us in at 4 p.m. so that’s where we went. I went home for a bit and David continued to work. We had two hours before our appointment. I didn’t realize how far away Beloit was so we left a little late. We drove in silence. David prayed. I cried. I cried the whole appointment long. I kept apologizing to the staff but they were so understanding. The doctor asked if I wanted an ultrasound and, of course, I said yes. All I wanted was to see that everything was ok. We all know it wasn’t.

We went home to grieve. I was so confused and lost. Every single thing I did from finding out I was pregnant played in my head. What could I have done differently to make the outcome different. Everyone says there is nothing. It was something genetic in the babies.I called my mom on the way home crying. She’s been through this three times so I knew she would know what I was going through. I slept until 8 o’clock. David worked and then went and picked up Zara from Veronica’s. My mom messaged me saying she’d be coming down the next day. We put Zara down for the night and I cried myself to sleep.