July 3, 2014

I let depression win today. It’s a terrible sinking feeling. Like falling into a black hole. Suffocating. I can’t remember the last time I let depression win. I’m usually very good at hiding it. Coping…at living through it. But today, I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to fight.

I let depression win today. My sink is still full of dishes from two days ago. There are books scattered all over the floor from my daughter pulling them from the bookcase. My bathroom floor is wet from her splashing in the toilet. And my bed is sheetless because they’re still in the washing machine. I’m not a good house keeper by any means…But I hate when my house looks messy.

I let depression win today. I was supposed to go on a walk with Zara. I was supposed to drop our water bill in the depository. I wanted to stop at the post office and ask a few questions I had. I wanted to get on periscope and just talk or do a sale. Instead, I watched Beasts of No Nation…and Kilo Two Bravo…and The Way Back…and The 9 Months that Made You. It’s embarrassing, really. I’m so disappointed…in myself…in my diagnosis….in my lack of ability to overcome it today.

I let depression win today. It’s been hitting me so so hard since April. Since I lost my sweet Emerson and Judah. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m thinking. It’s just blank.

I let depression win today. That’s all I have to say.