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Today was Hard

April 24th, 2017

Today was a hard day. Most likely hormonal, but I’m not 100% sure. I did notice the nausea didn’t hit me as hard today as it has been in the past weeks. I’m also fairly certain I went through the ovulation process yesterday or the day before. It could have just been the depression in general, even though I am still taking my medication daily. Zara has started throwing these fits where she’ll throw herself down on her stomach and just start crying. Today she did that and then looked at me to see what I was going to do. I don’t really know how to make a 1 year old stop that? I do think it has a little to do with us weaning her from her bottle. She’s down to 8ish ounces a day from 48 in 3 weeks. That has to be an adjustment, right? I know we’re probably going to slow but I just want her to stay little as long as possible. Then, of course there is David. I know he is hurting because I am hurting….Well, I think he is. I can see it in his eyes sometimes, I think. Or it could be a combination of all those things.

No matter what the reason, though, it was a hard day. Something is missing and a part of me is empty. God always has good timing. My devotion tonight talked about having nothing to show for my loss. Nothing to show but medical bills(I received those yesterday. 630.00 for everything. hormones, and an emptiness in my womb.

When I found out I was pregnant I started writing a journal for them. I have one for Zara too but I didn’t keep on top of it while pregnant and I wanted to do better for this baby/these babies as it turns out. I still write in it. It’s another way of coping for me right now. Is that healthy? I don’t know. But it’s my own personal time where I can pretend I’m having a conversation with them.

Today was a hard day. I just want things to be better.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

It’s More than Just a Miscarriage

It’s not just a miscarriage.

http://www.lindseymbell.com/why-its-not-just-a-miscarriage

It’s the loss of my babies.

It’s the loss of my hopes and dreams for them. When I found out I was pregnant there were so many things I started thinking about. How we’d tell people. How I’d tell David. I needed to figure out who my care provider would be. Where would I give birth? What would we name them? Would we have a boy or a girl? What would he/she look like? Would she be able to wear Zara’s hand me down’s. I can’t wait to see Zara a big sister. They’ll be so close in age. They’ll be here by Christmas. I wonder what we’ll buy them. I can’t wait to see them on ultrasound. I can’t wait to hear their heartbeat. Where are they going to sleep? Will I be successful at breastfeeding? The thoughts go on and on.

It’s the source of intense guilt. I can’t even begin to explain this one. I’m their mother. I should have been able to protect them. I didn’t. I failed them. I didn’t want to get pregnant in the first place. Is this why? Nothing anybody can say can take this away right now.

It’s a source of physical pain. I’ve already talked about this but yes. It’s so painful. Not only are you having a period. Your uterus is also tearing everything out of you that involves being pregnant.

It’s a hormonal roller coaster. Obviously. It’s similar to a post partum body, only you don’t have the euphoria feeling because their is no baby.

It’s hard on a marriage-Definitely. This is so hard on our relationship. I’m pushing him away. I’m having a hard time being close to him physically. That is hurting him, I can tell. He wants me. He misses me even though I’m right here.

It might be someone’s unanswered prayer. David and I both prayed so hard.

It has the potential to hurt over and over again. She has a different take on this but for me I am so scared now because I have a ‘history’ of miscarriage so there’s a bigger possibility I’ll have more in the future. I can’t do that.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

Meet Zara

Zara Maelle Rain was born on April 4th, 2016 at 12:49 a.m.

zara's first picture

When I was pregnant with her I prayed these things over her. I wanted her to have hair. I want her to be confident and love people.

She rolled off the couch for the first time at around 2 weeks old.

Her nicknames are Zarbucks and Zar Zar Binks.

She is already quite the traveler. She’s been to Iowa, Wisconsin, The Grand Canyon, San Diego, Kentucky, and flown in a plane. She did so well!

grand canyo

She started crawling at 5 months.

She started cruising/standing at 7.5 months.

She loves her puppy.

Her favorite toys are the one that speak spanish, play music, and her piano.

She calms down if I sing ‘Closer’ by the Chainsmokers. She also seems to really enjoy rap…yikes. I’m playing more worship music around her.

She loves loves loves to dance to that music.

She will say, ‘uh-oh,’ and ‘hoo-rah.’ My little marine.

She likes oranges, avocado, and grapes. She does not like peaches.

She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Her smile and laugh is just the most beautiful thing I have ever seen/heard.

happy baby

I love her.

-confessions of Zara’s momma-

Validating Your Grief

Shortly after Emmy and Judah left earth I bought two books, a new Bible, and a coloring book.new books

I started the ‘Grieving the Child I Never Knew’ Devotional first. I read day 4 last night dealing with validating your feelings and pain. A big topic in my therapy sessions is learning to validate myself and my feelings. And this short chapter hits home.

Oftentimes a miscarriage is viewed as ‘just a miscarriage,’ and people don’t understand why you’re hurting. And as a grieving mother they have no idea how much those words hurt us to our very spirit. They’re minimizing our loss rather than validating. As humans, I think one of our needs is to have our feelings validated no matter how small or insignificant they are.

Psalm 139 talks about how soon God knows you. While you were in the womb He knows you by name. We are never hidden from the love of Jesus because He is the one who has knit us together. I have said a few times that I got to hold Emmy and Judah’s unformed bodies. Psalm 139:16 says “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” The God of the universe loved them for the short time they were growing in me and He loves them now. He doesn’t love them any more or any less. He loves the just the same.

You may have some really terrible things said to you. By people who are just trying to be comforting. By people who have never been through this.

It’s a good thing you lost it so early.”

“Be thankful for your other children.”

“I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells when it comes to talking about pregnancy and birth and children.”

And unless someone in your life is just really spiteful and mean I’m sure they don’t mean to cause hurt. I have to believe they are only trying to comfort. Either way, it minimizes your hurt. And I don’t want to minimize you being hurt by their words. I expect you to hurt. I just want you to know your grief is real. And your grieving process will be unique to you.

Hold Jesus close to your heart during this difficult time. He is truly the only one who will give you comfort.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

I’m Not Who I Want To Be

I am everything I never wanted to be in a mother.

I am so impatient. David tells me every mother gets impatient from time to time. But I feel like I am more impatient than I am patient. But I Corinthians says that love is patient. So do I truly love Zara? I would absolutely, with every fiber of my being, do anything to protect her and keep her safe. I am making the choices I feel are best for her. I want her to be happy. I play with her and feed her and read to her. But if I have a hard time being patient with her do I actually love her? I Corinthians also says love is not easily angered. I never wanted to be an angry mom. But I get so easily frustrated and angry with her and I don’t know why. Yes, my depression and expectations play a part but I can’t just blame those and go on. I need to let go of depression and expectations.

I am constantly having to repeat, “Love is Patient, Love is Patient, Love is Patient.” 

Love keeps no record of wrongs and I have no problem doing that with Zara. When I see her smile all of my frustrations with her are forgiven. Her laugh melts my heart. It protects and hopes. I have hope that I will not get easily angered and lose my patience.

Zara is the happiest baby in the world. So sometimes I feel like I must be doing something right. But then I realize it’s probably just genetics. She reminds me so much of her happy Grammy, Aunt Amelia, and cousin La. They are all so happy and cheerful. Everything that I am not.

It’s such a constant battle in my mind. I want better self esteem. I want freedom from depression. I want confidence. It’s just so much easier said than done. I feel like I’m a little girl in a grown up woman’s body. Emotionally stunted. I don’t know how to talk to people. I hold grudges. I don’t easily forgive.

But I’m learning so much about the Father’s love. He is patient with me. He is kind. He is not easily angered and keeps no record of my wrongs. He protects, trust, and hopes for me.His love for me has never failed even when I don’t deserve patient or kindness.

All I can say is I’m trying. I’m seeking His truth. I’m seeking His comfort. I’m seeking His love. And I’ve never known a love like His before.

-confessions of an insecure girl-

Saturdays are for Music

April 23rd, 2017

This was the worship set for church today. I wish Veronica would just sing all the time. Acapella. On command!

First Impressions

April 22, 2017

Today I want to talk about first impressions. I have been listening to Leeland and Bethel a lot lately, because, well, they’re amazing. In the video below Leeland talks about how wrong first impressions are so wrong. How we should look at people and see their worth through the eyes of the Father. It starts at around the 18 minute mark.

I am very very bad at first impressions. I can’t think of one person who I had a negative first impression at first who I did not end up loving. They’re my main support team now. David, Jade, Amelia…the list goes on but I won’t name all of them in case they didn’t know I had a negative first impression of them.

The inspiration behind this blog is very simple and maybe a little silly.. I received a package in the mail. A pair of leggings from LuLaRoe Rachel Boyse. I started crying as soon as I pulled them out. They’re not a pair I would have thought about buying. I already have two pair from the Valentines Capsule. But they’re so special to me. I want to wear them every day with my angel wing earrings. Turns out negative first impressions can even be put on clothes. They really are so pretty.

18034388_10155191608784328_5447257963298850895_n

So, the inspiration is silly. I wouldn’t have even connected the two if it’s not something David and I had talked about recently and/or if I hadn’t been listening to Leeland. Not everything small brings a more important lesson. Some things are supposed to just be small. But sometimes it’s the things you least expect and the most random time that speak so deeply to you.

I’ve had some very surprising support come from people I never expected. I feel like I’ve already said so much about the kind words I’ve received but I can never say enough.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for reading.

-confesssions of Regina-

Goodbye Ceremony

April 20th, 2017

This is one of five blogs that I’ve been dreading writing. I knew I’d have to but I really wasn’t looking forward to it. They won’t be written consecutively…but they will all be written.

Today was our saying goodbye ceremony to Emerson and Judah. In case you’re wondering how long it took for me to start crying it was when I started getting dressed. I made it through breakfast and the shower. But, the dress I wore was the one I had planned to wear for my weekly bump pictures, so even though the real name of the print is ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ it will always be ‘Emerson and Judah’s’ dress.

IMG_0169 Zara wore a dress with a fox embroidered on it and David wore his anubis/horace shirt. After the ceremoney he told me the reason he wore that specific shirt is because there are two of them…just like there were two different designs on his shirt. He is grieving in his way. Some wives don’t have husbands that outwardly grieve and I’m grateful mine does. I wouldn’t be able to do it without him.

I made my playlist right before the ceremony. It was a stalling technique.

Thy Will by Hilary Scott

See You Again by Charlie Puth and

Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran

I forgot to wear my angel wing earrings.

I also didn’t write them a letter. But I didn’t need it. I just said what was on my heart. We lit a candles. So many tears.

After we had a little family day and went to Salina…about an hour away but the closest ‘big’ city to us. We had lunch at a delicious Chinese buffet, went to Ross, and tried the Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks. It was nice to have that.

I can already sense a feeling of closure coming from today’s ceremony. I know the missing them will come in waves and sometimes drown me. Triggering events will knock me off my feet. And, of course, there will be good days and times.

As I was watching Netflix tonight there was a quote from a show that sticks out.

Male Character: “I know it’s hard right now but one day you will be back to normal.”

Female Character: “No, I won’t.”

And that is the case here. I won’t ever be the same. I will be happy again, that I know. I will not be afraid of things I have fears of in this season. But I will never be the same.

Different Life

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

It’s Time

April 19th, 2017

Tonight is the worst night of sleep yet. It’s 2:58 a.m. and I’m wide awake. Obviously it’s because today is the day of our goodbye ceremony. My heart is pounding. My mind is wildly racing. I haven’t made the playlist I wanted to or written the letters I wanted to. But the house is spotless. My husband just woke up and texted me asking where I was.  I should go up to bed. I’m trying to find an excuse to stay up. But there’s nothing left to clean tonight. No motivation left to read, write or color. And my husband texted again.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

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