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You Are Not Alone

I want to share one more thing before I share part two. I promise this time. A Miscarriage Story Part 2 will be shared tomorrow!

April 26th

Today, somebody reached out to me, and it really refreshed my heart. It was so encouraging, It made me feel like I’m doing something good in writing this. I told someone a few weeks ago that all a writer wants is their writings to make just one person feel something. And, obviously, I’m writing for me…but I really do want to help someone. Even just one woman who i feeling pain or alone, or just struggling.

So she messaged me today, sharing some of her story. How the doctors were really terrible with her, how she feels guilt, and how she hasn’t told anyone even though it happened some time ago. When I read that I just cried. It really broke my heart for her for three reasons.

  1. Doctors really can be horrible. Uncaring. I just can’t believe how awful the doctors were with her. Miscarriage is just such a heartbreaking experience for a mother. They need to learn to be a little more kind and compassionate.
  2. Guilt and shame are so terrible to live with. Especially for a long time. Miscarriage brings such guilt. Even if you know you couldn’t have done anything different. There will be guilt over drinking coffee…not drinking enough water….a surprise pregnancy and then a miscarriage and the list goes on.
  3. Miscarriage is not something talked about. It’s such a taboo topic, for whatever reason. Whether you don’t believe the baby is a little life, if you think, ‘oh it’s so common,’ if you think, ‘oh it was so early…’ No matter what your reason it’s just not talked about. And we shared the same sentiment that we wish we would have been given some warnings or expectations about what MIGHT happen. Not what definitely will happen because that is unique to each woman. But some possible symptoms.

I have to speak out about this. It deserves to be talked about. I am hurting and suffering. My babies were BABIES. They were not a clump of cells. That way of thinking makes me so angry. Em and Judah deserve to be talked about. They had souls. They are in Heaven. We will remember them. We love them. We miss them. While this is something we will get through, it is not something we will get over. We will never get over the loss of our babies. Those are the wise words of my husband.

I don’t want any woman to suffer in silence. That’s a huge reason I’m talking about this.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

Have I Introduced Myself?

I don’t think I have. I’ve introduced David and Zara but not myself. I wanted to do those three Wednesday’s in a row.

I know I’m avoiding writing part two of A Miscarriage Story…but I just am having a really hard time putting all of those things into words. I hope you’ll forgive me.

I was born 9/18/1989. Best birthday ever in my opinion. Apparently I was two weeks late…Zara takes after her mama!

I have two brothers.

I lived in Illinois as a child and Wisconsin as a teenager.

I moved to Tulsa when I was 19.

My favorite job was working at the hospital as a nurse tech.

My dream job would be to be a midwife.

I have an associates degree in Psychology which I’m really proud of. I’m the only one in my (first) immediate family who has any type of degree! Holla!

I really enjoy writing. It’s one of the few things I actually think I’m good at. So, if you don’t think I am don’t tell me. I have to have confidence in something!

I am in the queue to be a rep for a clothing company. Can you guess which one?!

I love crime shows…true and not true crime shows.

I’ve been to California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, Wyoming, Colorado, New  Mexico, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, Louisiana (amaaaaaazing food!), Wisconsin, Illinois, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida, Maryland, Haiti, Costa Rica, Peru, and Ireland with dreams of going everywhere else.

I have been married a little over three years. I have one daughter earthside, Zara, and two babies in Heaven, Emerson and Judah.

-these are my confessions-

I got sleep!

Ok, so I said I would have part two of A Miscarriage Story written today but something really excited happened that I wanted to write about instead. So part two can be tomorrow if that’s ok with all of you.

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret of my marriage. David and I don’t always sleep in the same bed at night. It really started when I was pregnant with Zara. Guys…I snore, apparently loud. And it got worse when I was pregnant with Zara. Well, David is a VERY light sleeper and was driving for his job at the time. So, he would wait until I fell asleep and then go get his sleep in the spare bed(because he knew how much it meant to me for us to sleep together.) And then, afterwards, when Zara was still co-sleeping with us we would sometimes sleep in the same bed but sometimes not because he was still driving for work and babies wake up all night, am I right? So, at 8 months Zara decided she liked sleeping better alone. Sad day for this mama. I wanted her to co-sleep for at least two years. Even though, honestly, I knew David really wanted her to sleep independently. So, since then we’ve been sleeping in the same bed.

Well, since the miscarriage, I’ve been pushing him away and one of the ways is sleeping downstairs while he sleeps upstairs. There are two reasons for this..well, I guess they tie together so maybe it’s just one reason. He works at 6 a.m. every other day and I just haven’t really been able to fall asleep before 2.  And like I’ve said a few times, lately, I’ve been having nightmares/bad dreams every night.

Now to get to the good/exciting part. Last night I was going to sleep downstairs again. I was cleaning/writing/etc and Zara started crying. I went upstairs to get her some milk and change her diaper and David came out of the room (I thought he was sleeping) and asked me to come upstairs and sleep with him. (even though he had to be to work at 6.) So, I did. And guess what! I fell right to sleep and didn’t have any even relatively bad dreams at all. It was a dreamless wonderful sleep. He told me he wanted me up there because he was calmer that way (aaaaaaawwwwwwwwww) but it was the most restful sleep I’ve gotten in weeks. Honestly. And I woke up feeling refreshed. It just made me so happy. It made him so happy!

A little longer than I thought this would be but I’m so excited to share this! It’s been a hard few days and I don’t know why…well, it’s because my hormones are really going away now. I wasn’t nauseous at all today. Why do pregnancy hormones have to last so long after you’re not pregnant. It’s like a postpartum body without the baby. I think I’ve said that before. And I said all that to say this…I’m back downstairs tonight. I would rather be upstairs with my husband because I love just sleeping with him…but my defenses are keeping me from that.

If you pray, just pray for me. I need to get over this so I can be there for him and I can let him be there for me. Thanks.

-confessions of an insecure wife-

The Story of a Miscarriage: Part 1

April 24th, 2017

This is the second of five blogs I haven’t been looking forward to. It might take me several days to write it. I may even divide it into two or three parts because it may become long. I want to talk about the loss. I want to talk about what happened. The whole story. If you’re easily triggered by miscarriage talk or pictures you won’t want to read this. Because I’m going to be raw and real and honest about everything. I don’t know any other way to be.

David has been ready for another baby for a long time. He started asking after we got the go ahead from my midwife at the six week postpartum check up with Zara if we could start trying again. It’s been me who has been pushing it off. For several reasons, but mainly because I feel like my mind is broken and isn’t ready. I want to get the depression more under control first…if under control are even the right words.

At the beginning of March he asked and I told him….’ok, we can try this month but if we’re not successful you can’t ask me for another year.’ That would give us another year with just Zara to learn more about parenthood…to give her more time and become more independent before I had to take care of her and a newborn. It would give me more time to be consistently on Zoloft as I’ve only been consistent for about 3 months.

I told him we can try. I prayed and told God that if I got pregnant I knew I’d be able to handle it because He knew I was able to handle it. But then I prayed that I wouldn’t get pregnant. (hello, guilt.) There is no way I thought God would allow me to get pregnant. The only reason I told David we could go ahead and try was just to shut him up. He knows this.

April 26th, 2017. (I told you it would take a few days to write.)

So, the weekend of March 16th David went to Tulsa. I normally keep track of my cycle on my phone but it’s not something I’ll keep track of mentally. This particular weekend I was paying more attention to the fact that it was Zara’s original due date. Anyway, on the morning  of Sunday, March 18th I took a dollar store pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. I saw the faintest line show up after a minute and I didn’t believe it. So, after church I walked to Wal-Mart to buy a digital test. I didn’t gauge how far Wal-Mart was though so I called my brother-in-law, Stuart to come pick me up. I was so nervous he was going to see right through me and know what I bought. He does have five kids, after all.

I get home and put Zara down for her afternoon nap. Then, I immediately took another dollar cheapie and the digital. They both came back positive with afternoon urine, guys. And, I knew I was in trouble. I yelled at the tests. Twice.

I really did get excited though. So excited. I thought for an hour or two on how to tell David. I wanted something cute. With Zara we went to Starbucks and I had the barista write, “Daddy, March 2016.” This time I wanted to do something that wouldn’t be so obvious, I guess?

I took the next part of the day to write up little note cards for a scavenger hunt. We had a church service that night and David got into town late so I left all the clues up and he drove straight to the church. I made sure of that because I didn’t want him going home first and finding the surprise without me there. I thought it was really fun. The last clue was hidden under his pillow and said, “By December, you’ll be a father of two.”

Part 2 coming tomorrow. Maybe.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

Music Saturday

If I Die Young by The Band Perry. I haven’t heard this one in a while but it came on the radio tonight while we were eating.

I Will Not Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey was shared with me today by a friend who also gone through a miscarriage.

Today was Hard

April 24th, 2017

Today was a hard day. Most likely hormonal, but I’m not 100% sure. I did notice the nausea didn’t hit me as hard today as it has been in the past weeks. I’m also fairly certain I went through the ovulation process yesterday or the day before. It could have just been the depression in general, even though I am still taking my medication daily. Zara has started throwing these fits where she’ll throw herself down on her stomach and just start crying. Today she did that and then looked at me to see what I was going to do. I don’t really know how to make a 1 year old stop that? I do think it has a little to do with us weaning her from her bottle. She’s down to 8ish ounces a day from 48 in 3 weeks. That has to be an adjustment, right? I know we’re probably going to slow but I just want her to stay little as long as possible. Then, of course there is David. I know he is hurting because I am hurting….Well, I think he is. I can see it in his eyes sometimes, I think. Or it could be a combination of all those things.

No matter what the reason, though, it was a hard day. Something is missing and a part of me is empty. God always has good timing. My devotion tonight talked about having nothing to show for my loss. Nothing to show but medical bills(I received those yesterday. 630.00 for everything. hormones, and an emptiness in my womb.

When I found out I was pregnant I started writing a journal for them. I have one for Zara too but I didn’t keep on top of it while pregnant and I wanted to do better for this baby/these babies as it turns out. I still write in it. It’s another way of coping for me right now. Is that healthy? I don’t know. But it’s my own personal time where I can pretend I’m having a conversation with them.

Today was a hard day. I just want things to be better.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

It’s More than Just a Miscarriage

It’s not just a miscarriage.

http://www.lindseymbell.com/why-its-not-just-a-miscarriage

It’s the loss of my babies.

It’s the loss of my hopes and dreams for them. When I found out I was pregnant there were so many things I started thinking about. How we’d tell people. How I’d tell David. I needed to figure out who my care provider would be. Where would I give birth? What would we name them? Would we have a boy or a girl? What would he/she look like? Would she be able to wear Zara’s hand me down’s. I can’t wait to see Zara a big sister. They’ll be so close in age. They’ll be here by Christmas. I wonder what we’ll buy them. I can’t wait to see them on ultrasound. I can’t wait to hear their heartbeat. Where are they going to sleep? Will I be successful at breastfeeding? The thoughts go on and on.

It’s the source of intense guilt. I can’t even begin to explain this one. I’m their mother. I should have been able to protect them. I didn’t. I failed them. I didn’t want to get pregnant in the first place. Is this why? Nothing anybody can say can take this away right now.

It’s a source of physical pain. I’ve already talked about this but yes. It’s so painful. Not only are you having a period. Your uterus is also tearing everything out of you that involves being pregnant.

It’s a hormonal roller coaster. Obviously. It’s similar to a post partum body, only you don’t have the euphoria feeling because their is no baby.

It’s hard on a marriage-Definitely. This is so hard on our relationship. I’m pushing him away. I’m having a hard time being close to him physically. That is hurting him, I can tell. He wants me. He misses me even though I’m right here.

It might be someone’s unanswered prayer. David and I both prayed so hard.

It has the potential to hurt over and over again. She has a different take on this but for me I am so scared now because I have a ‘history’ of miscarriage so there’s a bigger possibility I’ll have more in the future. I can’t do that.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

Meet Zara

Zara Maelle Rain was born on April 4th, 2016 at 12:49 a.m.

zara's first picture

When I was pregnant with her I prayed these things over her. I wanted her to have hair. I want her to be confident and love people.

She rolled off the couch for the first time at around 2 weeks old.

Her nicknames are Zarbucks and Zar Zar Binks.

She is already quite the traveler. She’s been to Iowa, Wisconsin, The Grand Canyon, San Diego, Kentucky, and flown in a plane. She did so well!

grand canyo

She started crawling at 5 months.

She started cruising/standing at 7.5 months.

She loves her puppy.

Her favorite toys are the one that speak spanish, play music, and her piano.

She calms down if I sing ‘Closer’ by the Chainsmokers. She also seems to really enjoy rap…yikes. I’m playing more worship music around her.

She loves loves loves to dance to that music.

She will say, ‘uh-oh,’ and ‘hoo-rah.’ My little marine.

She likes oranges, avocado, and grapes. She does not like peaches.

She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Her smile and laugh is just the most beautiful thing I have ever seen/heard.

happy baby

I love her.

-confessions of Zara’s momma-

Validating Your Grief

Shortly after Emmy and Judah left earth I bought two books, a new Bible, and a coloring book.new books

I started the ‘Grieving the Child I Never Knew’ Devotional first. I read day 4 last night dealing with validating your feelings and pain. A big topic in my therapy sessions is learning to validate myself and my feelings. And this short chapter hits home.

Oftentimes a miscarriage is viewed as ‘just a miscarriage,’ and people don’t understand why you’re hurting. And as a grieving mother they have no idea how much those words hurt us to our very spirit. They’re minimizing our loss rather than validating. As humans, I think one of our needs is to have our feelings validated no matter how small or insignificant they are.

Psalm 139 talks about how soon God knows you. While you were in the womb He knows you by name. We are never hidden from the love of Jesus because He is the one who has knit us together. I have said a few times that I got to hold Emmy and Judah’s unformed bodies. Psalm 139:16 says “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” The God of the universe loved them for the short time they were growing in me and He loves them now. He doesn’t love them any more or any less. He loves the just the same.

You may have some really terrible things said to you. By people who are just trying to be comforting. By people who have never been through this.

It’s a good thing you lost it so early.”

“Be thankful for your other children.”

“I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells when it comes to talking about pregnancy and birth and children.”

And unless someone in your life is just really spiteful and mean I’m sure they don’t mean to cause hurt. I have to believe they are only trying to comfort. Either way, it minimizes your hurt. And I don’t want to minimize you being hurt by their words. I expect you to hurt. I just want you to know your grief is real. And your grieving process will be unique to you.

Hold Jesus close to your heart during this difficult time. He is truly the only one who will give you comfort.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

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