Mother’s Day

Can I be real honest with you guys? As if, I’m not always really honest with you guys? I’ve had two Mothers Day’s and they have both sucked. I was really excited for both of them…I had hope they would be great.

My first was just terrible. Zara was just about 6 weeks old. We were in Utica to celebrate May Day. Zara cried all day. And when I say all day I am not exaggerating. I knew she was hungry…and I breastfed her all day. But she would just cry. She would latch and cry. She would unlatch and cry. There was no real napping. I didn’t understand why she was so hungry if I was feeding her. At the end of the day I cried. What was I doing wrong?

I had hopes that my second would be better. When I found out I was pregnant in March I knew it would have to be better! Then I miscarried in April and didn’t want the day to come. How could I celebrate being a mother with two babies not with me. I was also having a hard time bonding and connecting with Zara at the time so that made it harder. I didn’t even go to church that day. They did give my husband a little plant for me though. That was nice. Another thing that I wouldn’t be able to keep alive. David did get me a really beautiful bracelet with a giraffe, fox, and lion charm with hand stamped ‘z,’ ‘e,’ and ‘j,’ on it. I cried. Duh.

I don’t have much hope for next Mother’s Day. Maybe that is better. Maybe if I expect hardship and disappointment anything less than that will be marvelous.


Desperate hours.

July 4, 2017

I wanted to do the same thing today as I did yesterday. I didn’t and I still don’t feel like I’ve won. Almost all of the kitchen is clean though. I got myself and Zara dressed. I went out to a barbeque.

I’m just so tired. So exhausted. I feel helpless. Useless. If I didn’t KNOW I had people who would notice I was gone I would love to disappear. Take the care and drive until I couldn’t anymore. I don’t have a specific place in mind. Just anywhere really.

How selfish is that of me? I know I have people that care about me and would miss me and I’d still rather just…be gone. As much as I don’t understand it, Zara loves me. David tells me that I’m her favorite. She gets so excited in the morning when I go to get her out of bed. She ‘runs’ up to me when I come back from being gone. She gives me kisses and hugs. David loves me. My family loves me. Jesus loves me. Why is that soooooo difficult to believe and accept?

I got prescribed a higher dose of my depression medication. It hasn’t really been long enough to see if it is making a difference.

David says I read and watch too many depressing things. Real crime shows about murders. Stories about miscarriages. Ultrasounds of missed miscarriages. War movies. Maybe that is part of the problem. I used to make fun of my SIL for doing the same thing. Now I’m the one who should be made fun of.


Confessions of Depression.


I Let Depression Win Today

July 3, 2014

I let depression win today. It’s a terrible sinking feeling. Like falling into a black hole. Suffocating. I can’t remember the last time I let depression win. I’m usually very good at hiding it. Coping…at living through it. But today, I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to fight.

I let depression win today. My sink is still full of dishes from two days ago. There are books scattered all over the floor from my daughter pulling them from the bookcase. My bathroom floor is wet from her splashing in the toilet. And my bed is sheetless because they’re still in the washing machine. I’m not a good house keeper by any means…But I hate when my house looks messy.

I let depression win today. I was supposed to go on a walk with Zara. I was supposed to drop our water bill in the depository. I wanted to stop at the post office and ask a few questions I had. I wanted to get on periscope and just talk or do a sale. Instead, I watched Beasts of No Nation…and Kilo Two Bravo…and The Way Back…and The 9 Months that Made You. It’s embarrassing, really. I’m so disappointed…in myself…in my diagnosis….in my lack of ability to overcome it today.

I let depression win today. It’s been hitting me so so hard since April. Since I lost my sweet Emerson and Judah. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m thinking. It’s just blank.

I let depression win today. That’s all I have to say.

A Miscarriage Story: Part 4

I really didn’t mean to make this story so long. I shouldn’t say I’m surprised though so I do tend to be quite wordy.

I thought I passed the pregnancy the night of April 6th. I truly thought it would just be a bigger blog clot. So I thought I was through the worst. Boy, was I wrong.

I didn’t pass the first baby, Emerson, until the next afternoon. David had already arrived home from work that day. I didn’t know what I expected but I didn’t expect for her to look like a real actual baby. We wrapped her up and a paper towel and a Ziploc bag. I called Jade and texted Faith and they both said they fully expected for me to not see anything. I was angry that nobody had warned me that this is what would happen. But, not even the most birth smart people I know knew that would happen. So, I guess there is no way they could have told me, right? We went and picked out a little wooden box and stickers so we could write her name on it. We already had this little stuffed fox that matched one of Zara’s stuffed giraffes. So, that is how we were going to honor and remember her.

My mom arrived late that night. It would be nice to have her here to help with everything.

On Saturday, April 8, while David was at work I passed Judah. Even though I had an inkling at around 5.5 weeks that it was twins I still completely didn’t expect to see a second baby. I went to the bathroom and felt something heavy trying to drop. I closed my legs really quickly until I would be able to catch it. I just knew it was something important. Not just a blood clot. And when I saw it I just screamed. Again. There has been a lot of crying and screaming in this blog. My mom came in and I just fell on the bathroom floor. I vividly remember saying, “Did I lose two babies? Did I lose two babies?” over and over again.

David was texting me about our lunch plans and I was getting angrier and angrier. How could he even think about food at a time like this. I didn’t understand. But he wasn’t home so he really didn’t have any idea what was going on. My mom and I went to Wal Mart to pick up another little wooden box and stickers. We stopped at Veronica’s along the way and she just held me while I cried.

I really wondered if this was every going to end. It did, of course. My period lasted longer and was more painful than normal. But that ended. I didn’t know what was worse. Having a period, which was a reminder that I had babies. Or the period stopping which meant I didn’t have anything left of my babies. I eventually stopped crying every single day but that hasn’t ended completely yet. The sadness and depression seems greater now. I’m even less patient than before. You’d think I’d be more patient. But no. There’s internal anger at that. Why can’t I just be better. I still miss them.

I still miss them.

A Miscarriage Story: Part 3

I started bleeding again at 6 weeks+4days.

“Why have I started bleeding again? Maybe I have a blood clot. It’s nothing to worry about, right? It’s the same type as last week. Streaky, mixed with clear mucus. It’ll last two days like last time.”

Those were the thoughts that went through my head on Tuesday April, 4th. Zara’s birthday. I didn’t start worrying until the next night. David and I were watching a movie and I started getting mild cramps. I prayed that they would be gone by morning. But they weren’t. I questioned whether I should call my midwife. David encouraged me that if it would make me feel better than I should. So, I did. The first words that came out of her mouth were about miscarriage. My heart sank. My voice shook. I was on my into the house after a small grocery trip. I stopped on the porch when I heard those words. They were so shocking. That she would go to that right away put a lump in my throat.

She suggested I go to the ER. Being so early, that is where any doctors office would send me anyway. I call our local ER and they tell me to come in. I don’t know why…they don’t have any OB doctors here in town anymore. I don’t know why they didn’t suggest that I call an OB straightaway. David went with me at my request. He stayed calm. He always stays calm when I’m the most stressed out.I saw the doctor only to be told that she couldn’t do anything or tell me anything other than go to an OB doctor either in Beloit, Salina, or Belleville. $319.00 is what that advice cost me. Not well spent, if you ask me.

I started crying on the way out. I was crying so much that David had to take care of the checking out process for me. He didn’t want me to be alone afterwards so I went to Veronica’s house. She just sat there and looked at me. When I looked back at her she said, “I’m so bad at this type of thing. I don’t have anything good to say.” That is what I needed. I didn’t need anybody to give me false hope. To tell me it was going to be okay. I just needed to not be alone. I talked a little bit. I told her everything the ER doctor said. She was angry at that. I appreciated that. She was exactly what I needed at that point.

I went to the bathroom again. I started screaming and crying. I started rocking back and forth….more screaming and crying. I rushed out of the bathroom and said, “I need to go home right now. I need to go home right now.” Just repeated that while I found my keys and walked out the door. Veronica kept Zara without question. I didn’t actually go home. I went straight to David’s work. I needed him. He came outside and I just kept apologizing.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, David The bleeding is getting worse and the cramping is getting worse. This is going to be bad. I’m so sorry, David.”

We could call clinics in Salina, Beloit, and Belleville. All of these cities are a significant drive so I thought we’d just call until we found someone who could get us in that day. Our first call was to the clinic in Beloit, the second closest. They were able to get us in at 4 p.m. so that’s where we went. I went home for a bit and David continued to work. We had two hours before our appointment. I didn’t realize how far away Beloit was so we left a little late. We drove in silence. David prayed. I cried. I cried the whole appointment long. I kept apologizing to the staff but they were so understanding. The doctor asked if I wanted an ultrasound and, of course, I said yes. All I wanted was to see that everything was ok. We all know it wasn’t.

We went home to grieve. I was so confused and lost. Every single thing I did from finding out I was pregnant played in my head. What could I have done differently to make the outcome different. Everyone says there is nothing. It was something genetic in the babies.I called my mom on the way home crying. She’s been through this three times so I knew she would know what I was going through. I slept until 8 o’clock. David worked and then went and picked up Zara from Veronica’s. My mom messaged me saying she’d be coming down the next day. We put Zara down for the night and I cried myself to sleep.

Saturday Music

A Miscarriage Story: Part 2

Alright…if you’ve been regularly reading my blogs you know Part 1 was shared on Monday the 15th. I meant to share these consecutively, but I’m just having a hard time writing all this down. So I’ve been putting off. Well, here it is. I don’t know why I’ve been dreading part writing this part. It’s just going to be about the pregnancy. No matter, though, here it is.

This pregnancy was different, right from the start. Yes, I know all pregnancies are different but this one was even different than that. I immediately got a three day long headache. I was SO beyond tired. I could not stay awake. I probably could have fallen asleep standing up. Just right away, at four weeks. I also just had so much clear/white discharge. I googled it and one of the first results were talking about how she was scared of miscarriage..even though everyone else said it was normal. That scared me enough, so I stopped looking on google.

At the 5ish week mark I got a little inkling that it might be twins. It surprised me because I wasn’t having any nausea at all. Just a little feeling I had. Of course, I started freaking out. I couldn’t imagine adding one more, let alone two. Three kids under two years old. Yikes!

Around 5 weeks, as well, I had a little bit of bleeding. It lasted maybe 2 days. It was a really light flow and very streaky with a lot of clear discharge. I called my SIL and she said it was normal. I asked women from the November group I was in and they said it was normal. I know it’s normal for some women to have bleeding. For me, though, it was quite worrisome. With Zara I didn’t even have implantation bleeding. So, something was just off. It stopped after two days and I was instantly relieved.

Another worrisome thing for me was that my symptoms were inconsistent. Off and on, you know what I mean. I would have some mild nausea one or two days and then nothing. I dry heaved once and then nothing. Tired and then not. I thought that was odd but I really tried to not worry.

I’m a really big worrier though…and it makes me wonder now, that if maybe I didn’t worry so much, would I still be pregnant? Did I speak this loss over me because I thought about it more than I should have? It’s just another source of guilt.

Part 3 on Monday.

-Confessions of a Miscarriage Mama-

You Are Not Alone

I want to share one more thing before I share part two. I promise this time. A Miscarriage Story Part 2 will be shared tomorrow!

April 26th

Today, somebody reached out to me, and it really refreshed my heart. It was so encouraging, It made me feel like I’m doing something good in writing this. I told someone a few weeks ago that all a writer wants is their writings to make just one person feel something. And, obviously, I’m writing for me…but I really do want to help someone. Even just one woman who i feeling pain or alone, or just struggling.

So she messaged me today, sharing some of her story. How the doctors were really terrible with her, how she feels guilt, and how she hasn’t told anyone even though it happened some time ago. When I read that I just cried. It really broke my heart for her for three reasons.

  1. Doctors really can be horrible. Uncaring. I just can’t believe how awful the doctors were with her. Miscarriage is just such a heartbreaking experience for a mother. They need to learn to be a little more kind and compassionate.
  2. Guilt and shame are so terrible to live with. Especially for a long time. Miscarriage brings such guilt. Even if you know you couldn’t have done anything different. There will be guilt over drinking coffee…not drinking enough water….a surprise pregnancy and then a miscarriage and the list goes on.
  3. Miscarriage is not something talked about. It’s such a taboo topic, for whatever reason. Whether you don’t believe the baby is a little life, if you think, ‘oh it’s so common,’ if you think, ‘oh it was so early…’ No matter what your reason it’s just not talked about. And we shared the same sentiment that we wish we would have been given some warnings or expectations about what MIGHT happen. Not what definitely will happen because that is unique to each woman. But some possible symptoms.

I have to speak out about this. It deserves to be talked about. I am hurting and suffering. My babies were BABIES. They were not a clump of cells. That way of thinking makes me so angry. Em and Judah deserve to be talked about. They had souls. They are in Heaven. We will remember them. We love them. We miss them. While this is something we will get through, it is not something we will get over. We will never get over the loss of our babies. Those are the wise words of my husband.

I don’t want any woman to suffer in silence. That’s a huge reason I’m talking about this.

-confessions of a miscarriage mama-

Have I Introduced Myself?

I don’t think I have. I’ve introduced David and Zara but not myself. I wanted to do those three Wednesday’s in a row.

I know I’m avoiding writing part two of A Miscarriage Story…but I just am having a really hard time putting all of those things into words. I hope you’ll forgive me.

I was born 9/18/1989. Best birthday ever in my opinion. Apparently I was two weeks late…Zara takes after her mama!

I have two brothers.

I lived in Illinois as a child and Wisconsin as a teenager.

I moved to Tulsa when I was 19.

My favorite job was working at the hospital as a nurse tech.

My dream job would be to be a midwife.

I have an associates degree in Psychology which I’m really proud of. I’m the only one in my (first) immediate family who has any type of degree! Holla!

I really enjoy writing. It’s one of the few things I actually think I’m good at. So, if you don’t think I am don’t tell me. I have to have confidence in something!

I am in the queue to be a rep for a clothing company. Can you guess which one?!

I love crime shows…true and not true crime shows.

I’ve been to California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, Wyoming, Colorado, New ┬áMexico, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, Louisiana (amaaaaaazing food!), Wisconsin, Illinois, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida, Maryland, Haiti, Costa Rica, Peru, and Ireland with dreams of going everywhere else.

I have been married a little over three years. I have one daughter earthside, Zara, and two babies in Heaven, Emerson and Judah.

-these are my confessions-

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