October

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

I went to the fair yesterday with my family. They have a Made In Oklahoma building where local vendors of various goods can display those goods. I was walking by one when a picture of an ultrasound caught my eye. My husband got distracted by a shoe cleaning booth so I stayed behind to look at the models of fetus’ they had on their table. They had a six week, 12 week, 18 week and 22 week model. It’s incredible how tiny they all were. It’s incredible how real they look.

They also had these little rubber babies, that before I had a miscarriage, I would have thought were creepy. Now they just make me cry. Yep. You read that right. I started crying right in the middle of the Made in Oklahoma building at the State Fair. The biggest models they had were 22 weeks which I held up to my tummy even though I’m farther along than that now. It’s amazing how big they seem but they’re still so small. Helpless.

I’m 24 weeks now..which means I’ve hit my first big goal. Viability Week. That means, if I go into preterm labor now they will try to save my babies. That’s comforting. Making it this far is a wee bit relieving. But there is still a fear. My next big goal is to hit 32 weeks. And then 35. And then the birth.

Since April I’ve had some mean things said to me. Of course, they were said online, but they hurt nonetheless.

“Maybe you should have been taking birth control.”

“How about you be grateful that you’re able to get pregnant.”

“Quit whining.”

Like, I’m not allowed to be sad because I am having more kids. Like, I’m not allowed to miss them. But I am sad. And I do miss them. My unofficial due date was November 27. 

But missing them and being sad doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful. It doesn’t mean I don’t love these babies. Yes, I’ve had a hard time connecting emotionally. But that doesn’t have anything to do with the babies. It has to do with the fear of losing them. Of connecting with them and then them just being gone. Feeling them kick and punch and watching them on ultrasound has made connecting easier. They already love each other so much. I always get a picture of them cuddling or sitting/laying in the exact same position. Just as much as I always get a picture of them kicking each other in the face or having their butts in the others face. And, they’re obviously adorable!

Baby A has a little Zara smirk going on here. But I don’t think they look anything like she did from her 3D ultrasound. He’s pretty chill.

Baby B has his legs in the air like he just don’t care. Definitely has Zara’s feet. He is the more active one. The attention hog on ultrasound. Always trying to get in the picture with his brother.

But this blog really isn’t about them. I just got off track. This blog is about bringing awareness to the month of October. So I am going to end it with this image. 22 things to know about miscarriage.

 

-Regina